Hi — have you “adulted” yet today? Did you pay some bills? Show up to work on time? Schedule that annoying doctor’s appointment?
Cool! Now, did anybody give you a sticker?
No? Then congratulations! You’re a functioning grown-ass human who doesn’t expect daily rewards for getting your s–t done. But if you can’t live that harsh reality, then fear not: A wall calendar is here to solve all of your problems.
“I Adulted!” is a 16-month calendar-slash-sticker book, available for $15.99 on Amazon. Along with charting the passage of time, this product comes with an advertised 100 splashy stickers that celebrate daily accomplishments such as “I emptied the litter box!,” “I cooked for myself!” and the frighteningly telling “My parents don’t pay my rent!”
Here’s the thing: They should be paying your therapy bills if you feel like you need to buy this.
Now, I know what you’re going to say. “Lighten up, lady. This calendar is clearly a gag gift — a joke!” But all jokes contain a kernel of truth, and in this case, the kernel is more like a whole corn maze of scary. The generation of participation trophies and gold stars has grown up — allegedly — and is continuing to find ways to congratulate its own efforts.
Beyond that, this calendar comes out in June. June! Who buys a wall calendar when the year is half over?
Someone who says, “No, the year is only half begun,” and then gives themselves a sticker for buying it — that’s who.
“I Adulted!” is the third in a line of products: There was the 2018-19 calendar, and then the original, well-reviewed book, “I Adulted Stickers for Grown-Ups,” which came out in 2017. Users call it “fun,” “encouraging” and “a great morale booster.”
But Amazon’s algorithm tells a different story.
Sponsored products related to last year’s edition include a behavior reward chart for toddlers and a variety pack of stickers for teachers to give out in the classroom.
Sick burn, Amazon!
There’s only one review for the 2018 calendar, but it shows that someone out there at shipping and receiving has a fantastic sense of humor.
“Received a baby blanket in place of this,” Trevor writes. “I just want my calendar.”