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Who I Lost

One in three Americans has lost someone to the coronavirus.

They have coped with sudden pain and immeasurable sorrow.

We spoke to people the pandemic left behind.

I lost my
sisterfatherfriendmothercolleagueboyfrienddaughter

Clarissa Torres, Bronx, N.Y.

Died on May 12, 2020

I lost my
daughter

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I lost my baby,

my daughter Clarissa.

It’s still a nightmare.

Clarissa was a happy girl.

She loved to dance, she loved to sing,

and she was full of life.

One day, she called me “Mom, Mom,” so I went to the room

and she said, “Look!”

And she showed me her pregnancy test is positive.

But she was suffering from brain cancer.

And she got Covid and she was hospitalized.

And she passed.

It’s not fair.

She had the baby,

she had her family.

And we loved her.

We did everything we could — everything.

When she passed I told her,

I’m sorry I couldn’t be here with you.

They didn’t let me be here with you.

I’m sorry my daughter.

I love you.

And we’ll meet again.”

To be able to take care of Sai

it's like taking care of her.

Only Sai can give me a little bit of relief

from this pain.

When I see him growing, when he calls me,

“Mom, Mom,” it’s like, you know, Clarissa,

used to call me all the time, “Mom.”

That’s like, you know, for me, a prize.

We go with the day, we go with the day, one day at a time.

I miss my daughter, I miss her a lot.

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Mercedes Reyes,
Bronx, N.Y.

One out of 670 Americans has died of the virus. Millions of Americans are adjusting to a new reality without their loved ones that would have been unimaginable only a year ago.

Danny Ko

Danny Ko, Bronx, N.Y.

Died on March 29, 2020

I lost my
husband

Jonathan Winterrowd

Jonathan Winterrowd, Germantown, Tenn.

Died on Dec. 28, 2020

I lost my
boyfriend

Oh how I will miss him communicating with me through music. He might not have always had the right words, but he always had the right song.—Mary Helen Bobo, Mr. Winterrowd's girlfriend

Hector Elfante Jr.

Hector Elfante Jr. , Readington, N.J.

Died on May 6, 2020

I lost my
brother-in-law

Bubba Greer

Bubba Greer, Monticello, Ga.

Died on Dec. 20, 2020

I lost my
oldest friend

Tonya Scales

Tonya Scales, Elizabeth, N.J.

Died on Nov. 13, 2020

I lost my
sister

Jimi Lee

Jimi Lee, Staten Island, N.Y

Died on April 12, 2020

I lost my
friend

Alan Tusa

Alan Tusa, Covington, La.

Died on Sept. 26, 2020

I lost my
father

Ellis Wansley

Ellis Wansley, Bronx, N.Y.

Died on April 17, 2020

I lost my
husband

Bobby McCoskey

Bobby McCoskey, Clarksville, Ind.

Died on April 29, 2020

I lost my
brother

Frances Gates Rhodes

Frances Gates Rhodes, Laredo, Texas

Died on Jan. 13, 2021

I lost my
colleague

Manuel Isidro Vasquez

Manuel Isidro Vasquez, Ontario, Calif.

Died on Dec. 13, 2020

I lost my
father-in-law

Sandy Wick

Sandy Wick, Entiat, Wash.

Died on Nov. 28, 2020

I lost my
friend

AJ Mullins

AJ Mullins, Lehigh Acres, Fla.

Died on June 28, 2020

I lost my
bandmate

Steven Joseph Scarchilli

Steven Joseph Scarchilli, Albany, N.Y.

Died on April 18, 2020

I lost my
partner

For the bereaved, just as they are trapped in the pandemic, they are trapped in their grief.

Ashlie Janeil Halvorson, Minot, N.D.

Died on Nov. 3, 2020

I lost my
sister-in-law

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I met Ashlie working as a CNA

in one of the long-term care facilities here in Minot.

We were helping change

a resident, and this individual pooped,

and I ended up catching it in my hands as there, you know,

there is no brief to go into and

that’s how our friendship took off.

I have one older brother, so I set Eric and Ashlie up.

I just knew that they were going to be really

good together, and they were.

He was getting married to my best friend

and I got a big sister.

I was very happy —

cheesing ear-to-ear crying.

But her life was cut short.

I wrote her obituary and picked out her outfit.

She was buried actually in one of my sweaters,

but that’s not uncommon considering

how often we traded clothes.

After Ashlie died, my brother, he lost his life.

It’s like he’s starting back over from square one.

He’s just got to keep moving forward.

I was trying to be strong for him,

but I still definitely have my moments where I just

break down and cry.

There’s so many times I wish I could just call her

and text her and I can’t.

I look at that wedding dress,

and I just remember us.

All of our good happy times and …

… never in a million years

did I think I’d be sitting here talking about my sister-in-law.

I think it’s safe to say that never

take for granted the time you have with people.

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Emily Louise Esquibel,
Minot, N.D.

The young have lost the old, parents and grandparents who could have lived for decades more.

Ajit Narain

Ajit Narain, Queens, N.Y.

Died on April 12, 2020

I lost my
father

He loved driving his truck. When I pass a box truck now, I think of him driving or me and him driving around in it.—Alex Narain, Mr. Narain’s son

Virginia Bell

Virginia Bell, Cincinnati

Died on Dec. 20, 2020

I lost my
mother

Rodolfo Mission

Rodolfo Mission, Carson, Calif.

Died on Jan. 28, 2021

I lost my
father

You wake up and the first thing that’s on your mind is, ‘Hey, your dad’s gone.’ I can’t sing music with my dad in the car. We can’t talk tennis. Anybody that comes into my life — the person I marry, friends I make — they’re never going to know my dad. I’m moving to live with my mom for a while. I feel him there, but I also know he’s not there.—Jourdan Mission, Mr. Mission's daughter

Maria Acosta Guerrero

Maria Acosta Guerrero, Naples, Fla.

Died on July 24, 2020

Betty McKinney

Betty McKinney, Keysville, Va.

Died on Oct. 26, 2020

Oh Ok Soon

Oh Ok Soon, Los Angeles

Died on Dec. 14, 2020

Gerda Garbatzky

Gerda Garbatzky, Huntington, N.Y.

Died on March 16, 2020

Ramón Moisés Quintero

Ramón Moisés Quintero, Castroville, Calif.

Died on July 18, 2020

Thomas A. Brennan

Thomas A. Brennan, Savannah, Ga.

Died on Feb. 6, 2021

Raymond Donald Hughes

Raymond Donald Hughes, Matthews, N.C.

Died on Sept. 12, 2020

Al Burkhalter

Al Burkhalter , Annapolis, Md.

Died on July 1, 2020

I lost my
grandmother

I lost my
grandfather

Carol Joy Lewin-Dostaly

Carol Joy Lewin-Dostaly, Atlanta

Died on July 25, 2020

Barbara McPherson Randall

Barbara McPherson Randall, Long Beach, Calif.

Died on Sept. 29, 2020

Katherine Farkas

Katherine Farkas, Avondale, Ariz.

Died on Jan. 3, 2021

Sim Hildebrand

Sim Hildebrand, Columbia, Mo.

Died on Nov. 29, 2020

Diane Butler

Diane Butler , Milwaukee

Died on Dec. 4, 2020

Glenna McKelvey

Glenna McKelvey, Hartsville, Tenn.

Died on Jan. 21, 2021

Stella B. Ochoa

Stella B. Ochoa, El Paso

Died on May 1, 2020

Isabelle Papadimitriou

Isabelle Papadimitriou, Dallas

Died on July 4, 2020

I lost my
mother

Carlos Manuel Castillo

Carlos Manuel Castillo, Orlando, Fla.

Died on Nov. 19, 2020

Roberto Sánchez

Roberto Sánchez , Liberal, Kan.

Died on Aug. 7, 2020

Fat Chan

Fat Chan, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Died on April 25, 2020

Ernesto Gonzalez Aleman

Ernesto Gonzalez Aleman , Lima, Ohio

Died on Dec. 3, 2020

Paul Abramson

Paul Abramson, Teaneck, N.J.

Died on April 23, 2020

William Milton Parada

William Milton Parada, Los Angeles

Died on Dec. 30, 2020

Joe R. Sills

Joe R. Sills, Brownsville, Tenn.

Died on Jan. 15, 2021

Albert Polite

Albert Polite , Lincoln, Neb.

Died on Dec. 6, 2020

I lost my
father

Gone is their loving presence, their wisdom, their comfort.

Linda Ann Carter, Baltimore

Died on June 12, 2020

I lost my
mother

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“Mom’s love for me was unconditional.

There’s nothing she wouldn’t do for me.

And there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her.

I bought this house for my mom.

I was tired of her moving around every two years.

We were living together here about a year

and a few months.

She would tell me sometimes,

‘Can you keep your music down today,

I got to take a test?’”

“Graduating class to the Morgan State University.”

“She received her degree in speech communication

on May 16, 2020.

Of course it was virtual, so we did it in the living room.

We did a whole photo shoot and we put all this stuff up

on the wall.

And she just had a ball.

That was

one of the most happiest days I’ve ever seen that lady.

She had reached a lifelong goal that

she had been talking about.

Just always said,

‘I’m going to get a degree.

It’s going to be the last thing I do.

I’m going to get a degree.’

And it was.

It was.

I thought my mom would die of old age, such

a faithful woman.

I just knew she would be on this earth

until she was old and gray.

On my mom’s death certificate it

says Covid.

So any time I hear that, I automatically go to her,

and I’m thinking about her.

It’s just, it’s a trigger.

The heaviness of grief is very unpredictable.

It comes out of nowhere.

There are a lot of reminders — just coming

home, being in here, this room that I’m in was hers.

The first few months,

I didn’t really touch anything up here.

I couldn’t — it was rough, smelling her scent,

just being in her dwelling.

Just walking in this house even now, sometimes …

… I hate it.

I hate that I bought this house.”

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T.J. Stallings,
Baltimore

Many families have suffered unthinkable blows, losses that went beyond a single person.

Terry and Kenneth Bridwell

Terry and Kenneth Bridwell, Travelers Rest, S.C.

Died on July 30 and Aug. 4, 2020

I lost my
parents

Antonio and Estelita Solomon

Antonio and Estelita Solomon, Queens, N.Y.

Died on March 26 and April 10, 2020

I lost my
parents

I miss my mom and dad calling me. I miss them bothering me. I miss their voices. I still listen to the voice mails that I have from them on my phone. ‘Where are we going to go out to eat?’ ‘Are you going to come over? I miss you.’—Cathrine Solomon, the Solomons' daughter

Ruth Allen

Ruth Allen, Riverside, N.J.

Died on Dec. 1, 2020

I lost my
grandmother,

Eileen Wolverton

Eileen Wolverton, Riverside, N.J.

Died on Dec. 12, 2020

… my
great-aunt,

Barbara Kemble

Barbara Kemble, Riverside, N.J.

Died on Jan. 16, 2021

… my aunt,

John Kemble

John Kemble, Riverside, N.J.

Died on Dec. 8, 2020

… and my
uncle’s brother.

A household of five with only one survivor. The loss is immeasurable, traumatic and completely devastating: not being able to say goodbye; having them all in the I.C.U. at the same time; no one to comfort them when we had to tell them of the others’ passing. To have them all die so close together has been traumatic. Terrifying.—April Cruice, a family member

More than half of the deaths have occurred since November, and for many, the grief is achingly fresh.

Karlets Dennison, Tohatchi, N.M., on the Navajo Nation

Died on Jan. 3, 2021

I lost my
husband

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Karl’s been gone a little over a month today.

We were able to bring him home,

here to the ranch, on the Navajo Nation.

I talk to him daily, I tell him

I miss him, and I love him.

We met through rodeo, that was the love of our lives,

both of us.

He just was a genuinely kind person.

He loved everything about raising cattle.

His cattle, his horses, you could tell they

knew that he was gone.

They just weren’t themselves.

We’ve been married 39 years, and I just don’t know,

you know, I was 19 when I got married,

so I don’t know what to do.

My kids were really shattered because he

had such a close relationship with them.

He was really

a good dad.

I feel cheated.

We were all cheated, especially my granddaughter.

She just loved her grandpa

so much,

and he loved her.

I keep praying that I can go on

because my whole purpose was our family,

and this is all up to me now as both a mom and a dad,

and that’s really difficult.

I think the hardest part, too, was the pain

he went through, the fear.

He spoke Navajo and he had a hard time, sometimes

understanding, especially at that type of environment

where things are chaotic and you see death all around you.

I could imagine he really needed somebody to talk to.

Just to think about what he was going through mentally.

It’s so unnecessary, it was so unnecessary.

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Deborah Dennison,
Tohatchi, N.M., on the Navajo Nation

By early March, Americans were lining up in all 50 states to be vaccinated. Deaths across the country have slowed.

There is hope that the pandemic has finally loosened its grip.

But for those who have lost someone, their own lives are permanently redrawn.